Let's Talk about ANGER

Anger gets a bad rap and it’s one of my favorite topics.  When I ask, “What is your relationship to anger?” what comes up for you?  

If you have difficulty acknowledging and advocating for your own needs in relationships or identify as depressed, this will be an important inquiry.  

Anxiety?…Also often related to disowned anger.  

What do I mean by disowned?  In childhood, we disown (disconnect from/shut down) our authentic anger when: the anger we saw was very scary; anger was shamed or punished; or caregivers couldn’t tolerate our anger.  

There are so many nuanced ways this can manifest.  In adult life, this can show up as shaming or judging ourselves at the first sign of protest.  

We might be afraid that if we feel anger we might lose control and even become violent.  

We might be afraid that we will alienate or hurt the people we love.  

The most important distinction with anger is to clearly differentiate between feeling anger and the behaviors we associate with anger.  

As children, we cannot differentiate our emotions from our actions.  So, if we disconnected from our anger as children, we will still feel as though the feeling and the behaviors are fused.  As as adults, we can develop the capacity to feel our emotions fully and hear the messages they carry, then choose what actions to take.  

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ANGER?

As little babies, when we experience discomfort or have a need, we may begin to squirm or fuss (healthy protest).  If our caregivers are attuned to us and our needs, that is often enough to cue them to fulfill that need.  If they don’t meet the need right away, the wee one may begin to ramp it up and cry loudly (anger).  If the need continues to go unmet, the baby will scream and wail (rage).  If the need still continues to go unmet, eventually the baby will give up and shut down as their little nervous system cannot tolerate the stress of chronic rage.  They will begin to disconnect from their own needs.  So, as babies, the purpose of anger was to get a caregiver to meet our needs.  As adults, the purpose of anger is to fill us with the energy needed to feel and advocate for our own needs.  The energy of saying “no”, setting standards, and holding boundaries IS the energy, the fire, of anger.

Our authentic emotions, including anger (regardless of how we judge or interpret them) are facets of our life force energy.  We cannot pick and choose the ones we like and still have access to the fullness of our life force.  The NARM way of working with anger is to grow our capacity to be with it. When we are able to be with anger (as opposed to getting it out through catharsis/”acting out” or turning it inward/”acting-in” in the form of self-shaming or collapse), we can receive the information it carries.  This is the process of emotional completion.

EMOTIONAL COMPLETION FOR ANGER*

Step 1:  Notice and feel the anger (most importantly how it feels in the body, people often feel energy in the chest and the arms and legs).  If you have a reaction to this feeling (e.g. shame/anxiety), take it slow.

Step 2:  Name it.  Some of us who have trouble connecting with their anger will say things like, “I’m a little annoyed”, or “It’s so frustrating”, or they will blame themselves and say that they are angry with themselves.

Step 3:  What does the anger (including the energy in the body) have to say about this?  What does the anger want/assert?

Step 4:  Take some time to notice what happens internally as you speak that message so clearly.

*The Emotional Completion Model was developed by Laurence Heller, the creator of the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM).

If you’d like support applying this process, let’s have a chat.