Let’s talk about ABANDONMENT.   I often hear people say that they feel abandoned when someone…leaves in the middle of an argument, distances themselves when they are angry, doesn’t check in, etc.  

Despite how it feels, it can only be called abandonment when we’re talking about children and their caregivers. 

Let’s be clear though, for children, emotional needs are survival needs.  So when a parent leaves, even just emotionally or energetically, it evokes a survival response and desperate attempts to reconnect or avoid disconnection.  Remember, our only protection as children is our connection to our caregivers.

As adults, the things that feel like abandonment are just leaving…because we don’t RELY on our adult relationships for our survival needs.

If someone leaving feels like abandonment, the real abandonment likely happened in childhood.  Again, this didn’t have to be physical absence, neglect or endangerment (though these also qualify).  It can also look like the parent shutting down energetically or emotionally such that the child feels all alone.  

Even a mismatch between parent and child (high needs/low capacity) can be experienced as abandonment.  

As children, we were stuck with the parents or caregivers to whom we were entrusted.  BUT, as adults, we get to choose whether we want to be in a relationship with a person who can’t or won’t stick around when the going gets tough.